If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger, screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr.Brave man, I guess I'm a coward.
If you were riding in a time machine way far into the future, and stuck your elbow out the window, would it turn into a fossil?
Why do people in ship mutinies always ask for "better treatment"? I'd ask for a pinball machine, because with all that rocking back and forth I could probably get a lot of free games.
I hope if dogs ever take over the world, and they chose a king, they don't just go by size, because I bet there are some Chihuahuas with some good ideas.
I bet the main reason the police keep people away from a plane crash is they don't want anybody walking in and lying down in the crash stuff, then, acting like they just woke up and go, "What was THAT?!"
I'd rather be rich than stupid.
I wonder why the one legend that keeps recurring throughout history, in every culture, is the story of Popeye.
When going in for a job interview, I think a good thing to ask is if they ever press charges.
Probably the earliest flyswatters were nothing more than some sort of striking surface attached to the end of a long stick.
I think someone should have had the decency to tell me the luncheon was free. Because making someone run out with potato salad in his hand, pretending he's throwing up, is not what I call hospitality.
Most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.
(My Halloween Costume)
You know what would make a good story? Something about a clown who make people happy, but inside he's real sad. Also, he has severe diarrhea.
Sometimes when I feel like killing someone, so I do a little trick to calm myself down. I go over to the persons house and ring the doorbell. When the person comes to the door, I'm gone, but you know what I've left on the porch? A jack-o-lantern with a knife stuck in the side of it's head with a note that says "You." After that I usually feel a lot better, and no harm done.
(Did You Get One?)
If you're a horse, and someone gets on you, and falls off, and then gets right back on you, I think you should buck him off right away.
If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.
I'd like to see a nude opera, because when they hit those high notes, I bet you can really see it in those genitals.
Did you know that anytime I see something screech across a room and latch onto someone's neck, and the guy screams and tries to get it off, I have to laugh, because what is that thing?
If a kid asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell him is "God is crying." And if he asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell him is "Probably because of something you did."
I know that contrary to what most people say, the most dangerous animal in the world is not the lion or the tiger or even the elephant. It's a shark riding on an elephant's back, just trampling and eating everything they see.
Why did Laurie got offended that I used the word "puke." When to me, that's what her dinner tasted like?
If you're a young Mafia gangster out on your first date, I bet it's real embarrassing if someone tries to kill you.
If you go parachuting, and your parachute doesn't open, and your friends are all watching you fall, I think a funny gag would be to pretend you were swimming.
When I was a kid my favorite relative was Uncle Caveman. After school we'd all go play in his cave, and every once in a while he would eat one of us. Why didn't I know that Uncle Caveman was a bear?
Whether they find a life there or not, I think Jupiter should be called an enemy planet.
Instead of trying to build newer and bigger weapons of destruction, we should be thinking about getting more use out of the ones we already have.
If you're robbing a bank and you're pants fall down, I think it's okay to laugh and to let the hostages laugh too, because, come on, life is funny.
If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid looking in a mirror, because I bet that will really throw you into a panic.
Sometimes I think I'd be better off dead. No, wait, not me, you.
I also think one mistake a lot of us make is thinking the state-appointed shrink is our friend.
I think one way the cops could make money would be to hold a murder weapons sale. Many people could really use those ice picks.
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet you could shoot beer out of you nose.
I do wish outer space guys would conquer the Earth and make people their pets, because I'd like to have one of those little beds with my name on it.
If you're in a war, instead of throwing a hand grenade at the enemy, why not throw one of those small pumpkins? Maybe it'll make everyone think how stupid war is, and while they are thinking, you can throw a real grenade at them.
I hope life isn't a big joke, because I don't get it.
Angel Feathers Tickle Me
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